Guide to Forming Relationships as a Self-Loathing and Quasi-Misanthropic Writer

True Stories, Uncategorized

Wake up in my cold, hundred year old house. Self-loathing is my alarm clock and it doesn’t come equipped with a snooze button. If I had a dollar for every time I woke up and wanted to slam the blinds closed and shun the idea of face-to-face human interaction, I’d be able to make my rent on time every month. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t think of anyone. I have no one I yearn for, no person to think of and warm my heart.

I’m on a clean slate in terms of human relationships – romantic or platonic – and it should probably stay this way. I eat at restaurants alone. Why?

I have the perfect combination of elements aligned in such a way so that I can succeed and accomplish. Introducing any new humans into my life could upset the balance. Just like a pilot needs to configure a number of apparatuses before his plane can take off, I have all of my apparatuses configured so I can take off. Establishing a romantic or platonic relationship comes with some hesitation. People tend to stand in front of the plane on the runway rather than sit in the cockpit. I know this because I’ve let it happen before.

First: Few friends is good friends.

I don’t want to have a lot of friends. I feel like an idiotic, herd mentality, mindless follower when I’m walking down the street with a large group of people. Plus, a big social life would only be a distraction. I like knowing a lot of people, I promise, I would probably love to know you too, but as far as friendship is concerned, there’s a maximum occupancy allowed. There are only two qualifications:

1. Be good at conversation. I don’t care if we agree on religion, politics, or where to get dinner. Just be good at conversation.

2. Be an inherently good person. Everyone says they’re a good person. Everyone says they’re honest, but a lot of them are lying whether they know it or not. Know the inherent value in doing good things and recognize the wrongness in doing bad things – not because your parents or God told you and you fear punishment, but because you’re a human and you feel what others feel.

The few friends I have are good friends, friends I would answer the phone for at 3am, friends I would unquestionably be there for through anything. Ask them and they’ll confirm the validity of this. I also know they’d reciprocate, but still, there are few of these around. The majority of these people live far from my cold, cozy, lonely and lively Saint Augustine apartment.

Sitting in my apartment at 11pm with glass of Jameson on the rocks listening to Aesop Rock, I’m usually wondering if I know anyone in this town or if any of them know me. Usually, I feel like a ghost with a bum knee, exacerbated by the cold weather, when I walk through the streets, slip through the doorways and float back home. Sitting in my apartment at 11pm with a glass of Jameson on the rocks listening to The Pixies, I’m usually concluding that I’m probably better off for being alone. I need aloneness in order to get where I’m fighting to arrive.

Secondly: romantic relationships are overrated.

Recently, one of my good friends, a man who teaches philosophy in Tampa, said something I think about often. I congratulated him on finding someone. He replied with, “I’m not happy I found someone; I’m happy I found her.” It’s a good point that brings me to my next.

I’m not interested in hitting on women because I feel that anything worthwhile would not come from leaving my phone number on my check for a waitress, but instead through the actual growth of getting to know a person. Eighty-five percent of guys are douche bags, it’s a fact, but the female gender isn’t exactly a group of saints either. Many women fit into at least one, if not all, of the four S categories:

1. Slutty
2. Shallow
3. Selfish
4. Stupid

Of course, it is just as easy and common for a man to fit into these categories, but I’m not getting into that because I don’t date men. Fitting into any one of those classifications turns me off from the possibility of a date, friendship, or telling you where the nearest Starbucks is. Why obstacles exist at all for people on the roads of honesty, genuineness and being authentic will always baffle me. What may come as a surprise to many people is that being honest and genuine will:

1. Cause you less problems in life
2. Bring better and more interesting people into your life

I’m not here for long and I’ve got shit to do before this time expires. To use the most embarrassing cliché I could think of, this boat is cruising and not many people get to board. I’d respect someone more for telling me they have no interest in my boat, then if they lied and told me I’ve got a nice starboard. And if you’re a righteous individual, then maybe I’ll be in your boat soon, so move over and make room. Cut the weeds from your life, so the real flowers can grow.

But what do I know? One person, one friend, one woman could step into the scene and more accurately align the elements in a way I never thought more useful than before – but probably not.

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