It’s Hard to Respect a Guy Who:

I will be adding to this list regularly as I venture out in public, so check back often.

It’s hard to respect a guy who:

1. Has a Justin Beiber hairstyle. (So cute!)
2. Has song lyrics tattooed across chest and wears a low-cut v-neck t-shirt. (So deep, are you in a band?)
3. Respects people simply based upon their attire. (So attractive!)
4. Thinks people should respect him based simply upon his attire. (Do you have a lot of money?)
5. Tans. (Do you surf?)
6. Thinks what makes him manly involves physical aggression and lots of cologne. (Your manhood requires a lot of maintenance!)
7. Uses more hair gel than he has blood in his body. (It’s great that your hair looks the same in the morning!)
8. Wears a dress shirt unbuttoned to his belly button. (I didn’t know you’re belly button was pierced?)
9. Spends as much time on his mustache as a prom queen does on her hair. (Were you ever on Dateline NBC?)
10. Thinks reading books is lame/boring/useless/stupid and naturally, is unable to justify his position in thinking so. (Why would I do that?)
11. Still has a muffler on his car that is louder than his stereo that is more expensive than the car. (Yeah, that’s my car.)
12. Brags about his sexual conquests. Extra points if his bragging involves high-fives. (I’m totally bringin’ her home.)
13. Misspells words on purpose and fails to understand the simplest rules of grammar. (Your kewt)
14. Is influenced by Axe Body Spray advertisements. (It’s called Really Ripped Abs)
15. Thinks Motley Crue lyrics accurately define what life is all about. (I can pay my bills by snorting coke and fucking hookers)
16. Wears Ed Hardy, Affliction, or whatever other clothing designer is helping me easily identify people I don’t want to have a conversation with. (Have you seen my bicep tat?)
17. Wears enough jewelry to convince his friends he mugged a pharaoh. (It’s from the pawn shop)
18. Thinks he’s drinking Bud Light because it tastes good and not because it’s overwhelmingly advertised. (But they’re 2 4 1, dude)
19. Has illogically made a connection between the amount of meat he eats and the level of his masculinity. (What the fuck is a tomato?)
20. Is tough with his posse, but is silent and avoids eye contact when alone. (What, bro?)
21. Listens to dance music in his convertible. (I know it’s stupid, I just like the sound of it)
22. Wears rosaries as a fashion accessory. (I’m religious, but only when it’s convenient)

I excluded from this list reasons that included moral wrongs like “date rape,” “child abuse” and “ stealing from parties” since 1) obviously, 2) if you know me, you know I find that stuff abhorrent and 3) as a society, this is generally deemed “wrong,” so why mention it?

3 thoughts on “It’s Hard to Respect a Guy Who:

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