Creep Alert: Advice for Women

Opinion, True Stories

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

As a guy, I’ve spent a lot of platonic and misanthropic time around other guys. I’ve seen many of these guys try to execute their best game on suspecting and unsuspecting females in all settings, atmospheres and venues and let me tell you, there are many things many men will not say or do in order to get in your pants. I know, you already know this, but that doesn’t stop them from working. Some of you don’t care, and if you don’t, then fine, but for those of you who do care, this is for you.

I go places and see guys trying to meet women using some of the most absurd, insane, ridiculous and embarrassing techniques. A lot of these guys take themselves seriously. Some guys try to use the “I’m not taking myself seriously so I’m going to wear a stupid hat to show you how wild and carefree I am” technique, but I’m going to assume that the Stupid Hat Guy went extinct sometime around the end of W.’s second term.

What baffles me the most is that many girls never seem to pick up on these guys. I understand a lot of girls do and choose to ignore it because some girls see past the bullshit, but some girls fall head over heels for guys who are laying a coat of bullshit thicker than a Tea Party Rally. I’m constantly amazed when I see a girl lose all self-respect and melt in front of a guy who’s blatantly using a technique to get laid.

That’s why I’m going to go ahead and identify the top five offenders. It’s not a comprehensive list, but it’s a great start. Remember these guys the next time you go to a party, a friend’s house, school, work, Barnes & Noble, a political rally or check your mail. Like cockroaches, these guys are everywhere.

I understand I’m cutting out about 85% of the dating pool with this list, but ladies, save yourselves the time. If you meet one of these guys, go to a well-lit public place and call a friend to pick you up. Safety first.

The Hipster

“Have you ever read ‘Catcher in the Rye?’ It’s my favorite book. No, it’s not the only book I’ve ever read. I’ve also read ‘On the Road.’ Ok, so, I’ve only read those two books, but let’s be honest here, what other books are there really?”

“I just picked up the new Winter’s Dying Ashes Upon My Deaf Heart album and it’s pretty deck. It’s a little softer than their last album, but the song My Revenge is Greater Than Your PBR is epic.”

“I don’t shop at Good Will because I’m a hipster, it’s because I don’t have any money. After my mom pays my rent and my other bills, I have like no spending cash left over.”

“Check out my v-neck shirt and chest tattoo of this band’s lyrics. I took a picture of myself last night in the mirror and posted it to I already got like six phone numbers and two girls sending me nudes.”

“I’m not a hipster.”

The Foreigner

“I’m wearing a cologne I brought from my country…oh? You don’t pronounce the g? I’m sorry. I’m just learning your language. I’m glad you think it’s cute. I normally wouldn’t tell a girl this, but I’m relying 110% on my accent to get laid.”

The Guitar Player

“Yeah, that’s right. I play guitar. I’m in a band. You should check us out. We’re playing at the Dick House this Friday. Check out this Stevie Ray Vaughn tune I can jam out on…

…pretty good, right? Why am I sitting alone in this corner? Well, I was just thinking about how I wrote this song for my ex-girlfriend and she didn’t even care. I just want to find a nice girl who doesn’t mind me writing songs to her.”

The Bro

“C’mon, babe, you can have another shot. You’re a champ. You can do it. I got the Dave Matthews Band on. I mean, fuck, I’m skipping the game here to drink with you. I didn’t pop my collar to fly away; I popped it to get some pussy.”

“Yeah, that’s my BMW out front with the smashed bumper. Freddy borrowed it and crashed into a tree when he was trying to get laid. What do I care? My dad will fix it. I’ll just tell him someone hit me in the parking lot.”

The Sensitive Poet

“I have thoughts things no other man has. I am very deep. I am intellectual. Have you ever read Thoreau? He’s great. I’m just completing my first novel right now. I just can’t figure out who I want to publish it, you know? I want it to be someone who will put the care and effort into it that I did.”

“What is this poem about? It’s, like, about my feelings about life and death and all this stuff in between, you know? It’s like, life is this thing that you don’t always get and I wanted to convey that by comparing it to the moon’s glow at night and my despair for, like, stuff. You probably won’t understand it anyway. It’s not your fault; it’s just that it’s really deep.”
“I drink a lot because I’m a writer.”

“I understand you’re sensitive. That’s why I want to hear everything you have to say, everything you care about and feel for (until I get laid).”

“I’m probably going to get discovered any day now.”

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