Fashion Advice From a Guy With a Coffee Stain on His Shirt

You’re a guy. You need fashion advice. But here’s where you’re going to fuck up: you’re going to ask someone. That’s your first mistake. Your second mistake is listening to them. Don’t ask me about fashion, I’m just going to tell you.
Remember my first sentence? It read, “You’re a guy.” Keep that in mind and let’s use that as our premise in determining how we should dress as guys.

Throughout the decades, fashion changes a lot. Someone in 2011 who dresses like it was the 90’s is going home alone every night until he cuts that out. Same goes for the guy dressing like it’s the 80’s, 70’s and so on.

In fact, your only chance of going home with someone not dressing contemporarily, is if you dress in an era that is so far in history, it was before your grandfather could tie his own tie. For example, dress like Oscar Wilde? Some girls might like that. Toga parties and guys dressed in loin clothes? Some girls are dumb enough to go home with those guys (STD’s are so 90’s).

There is only one style that remains cool to this day. There is one style that can’t be fucked with. Take a picture of yourself in the 60’s, 90’s, whenever, and you’ll never feel ashamed to show your friends that picture today. It’s a t-shirt and jeans. Give a guy a t-shirt and jeans and not only is he comfortable, but he’s not afraid to have a picture taken that may cross into the next decade.

Simple enough, right? Not so fast. Guys fuck this up all the time. It’s so simple and guys still do it. They’re so dumb they voted for whatever political party you disagree with most. Heretical examples of guy fashion faux-pas include skinny jeans, oversized t-shirts and deep v-necks. Guys in marketing will tell you these things are cool. Guys on the street will tell you they’re not.

C’mon, man! You were right there! I thought we were on the same page and then you stepped outside your house in skinny jeans and a deep v-neck. Don’t stand too close to me. I don’t want anyone to think we’re friends. I’m not so insecure I need to imitate some indie band in a magazine with my cute Justin Beiber hairstyle.

So, why am I all gung-ho about sticking to a t-shirt and jeans? Simple.

Here’s the breakdown: I have two full sleeves, my entire back tattooed and just as many on my legs, but when I’m walking down the street, you can usually only see my arms. My tattoos are my only giveaway. They’re the only thing the average citizen can judge me by. Other than that, a t-shirt and jeans puts me in no circle and in all circles at the same time. I can be anyone. In order to know me, you have to talk to me.

If I’m wearing a t-shirt and jeans while walking down the street, am I on my way to the library or to buy drugs? Who knows. Am I going to volunteer my time or go to school, or am I going to a dog fighting party in someone’s backyard? Keep the guesses coming because you’ll never know until you take the time to talk to me and get to know the real me.
That’s why I like a t-shirt and jeans. You’re forced to get to know the real me, not the pretend me exemplified by clothes I paid money for. Plus, I don’t get suckered in to any ridiculous fly-by-night trends.

I don’t know anything about fashion. I didn’t know my belt was supposed to match my shoes until I was 21. You don’t think you should be listening to me, but I’m just the guy you need to hear this from.

Picture a guy walking down the street wearing an Affliction shirt. I’m not going to tell you what you’re thinking, but I bet we’re thinking the same thing. That’s where I get my sense of fashion from. I see other guys doing it wrong, and I just avoid everything they do.

That’s the problem with so many of these trends: they’re trends. They come, they go, they leave you with a bunch of pictures you have to throw away. If a new fashion trend pops up and everyone is doing it from seemingly out of nowhere, why would you do it too? It’s going to go just as fast it came. Trends are a whirlwind romance with fashion. You’re going to look like a fool. Ditch the shit and stick with what works.

I’m not saying the t-shirt and jeans rule applies to every time you’re clothed, just those casual times. If it’s a wedding, break out the fancy suit. If it’s a Bar Mitzvah, dust off the old leather yamaka. I’m not going to say a thing. But walking down the street, tone it down. You’re a human underneath those clothes. I know it and so does everyone else. The three gold necklaces around your neck don’t tell me you’re wealthy and affluent; they tell me you’re insecure.

Let’s sum this up: your clothes say a lot about you, but they only tell me when you’re insecure. Don’t be like the guy with the big, funny hat. Don’t overcompensate. Trying too hard makes you look insecure. Your clothes are just some fabric you’ve draped over your body to present an image. It’s not who you are on the inside. Having a conversation will really tell me what’s going on. That’s why I never dress up: unless it’s a wedding or Bar Mitzvah. Besides, I do my best work when I’m comfortable, in a t-shirt and jeans.

3 thoughts on “Fashion Advice From a Guy With a Coffee Stain on His Shirt

  1. I like this a lot. It teeters just on the edge of “catty gay,” then commits a hate crime and kisses a purty gal.

    Based on that, I probably shouldn’t say I like it, right?

  2. Wow!!!! I guess those tattoos you speak of were not your form of expression right? I would never say, “Don’t stand too close to me. I don’t want anyone to think we’re friends” just because you have tattoos. That’s an insecurity in and of itself.

    1. Oh, you anonymous replier! If I gave you the impression that I’m completely without insecurities (i.e. not human), I most certainly have misled you. I have them, just as everyone does. Thankfully, throughout the years, I have done a bit of reading and introspection to eradicate much of them, but I still haven’t reached enlightenment; however, perhaps you misunderstood the writing. I am speaking against trends. While tattoos are often viewed as trendy, I disagree. It’s styles of tattoos that are actually trendy (e.g. white guys getting tribal, people getting koi fish, etc.) and not tattoos themselves. Do they exist as a form of expression? Of course. They exist for many reasons: expression of personality, religious expression, etc., but many people get them just because they are trendy. That’s why I tell people who are confused about getting their first tattoo not to get one. Furthermore, your point regarding me not wanting to stand next to someone who is viewed as being too fashionable is almost a good one, but the case is, would I want to stand next to someone accused of committing pedophilia? Probably not. Am I being insecure, or am I trying to project the “correct” image of myself to other people? Perhaps that’s an insecurity in and of itself to even worry about. But I also don’t want to be associated with people I think are morons or inherently bad, because I don’t want to be seen as a moron or inherently bad. That does not mean I think anyone wearing skinny jeans and a deep v-neck is a moron, but I still want people to get to know the real me before they make an assumption of who I am. Also: don’t worry about being anonymous in the future. Whether I know you or not, whether we are friends, acquaintances or anything else, you can respond with complete honesty, sass and criticism sans anonymity and I won’t look at you any differently. In fact, I’ll probably respect you more.

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